Without suffering, it is impossible to feel the taste of life, learn to appreciate it and enjoy every little thing. Tests temper character, give impetus to creative development, form a sensitivity to understanding the experiences of other people, but each time faced with a loss of relationship, everyone asks how to forget the person you love. Psychology comes to the rescue, giving advice to accept the current situation.
Love is coming
Even the most tender and sincere relationships can end, because human feelings are inconsistent and not always amenable to rational explanation. When people are in love or blinded by passion, they are uncritical of emerging domestic problems, the difference in education, perception of life, the shortcomings of their partner. It is impossible to build something long and lasting on one’s feelings alone, which means that one must be prepared for the fact that they will end sooner or later. Various studies “give away” passions from three to eight years. It should be replaced by mutual respect, cooperation, emotional closeness.
But no one is safe from the fact that one of the partners will not flare up new feelings for the other person, or he will not begin to feel discomfort in the existing relationship. It’s easier for someone who was the first to stop loving or the first to decide to leave. And how to forget a former beloved person to someone who was not ready for such a development of events, whose feelings are still alive, because it is impossible to stop loving at the same time by a wave of a magic wand. The first and most important step that must be taken is to recognize the right of everyone to make their own choices and make independent decisions. It is impossible to keep a person near you, appealing to his promises, past confessions and a sense of duty.
And the common expression “fight for love” has nothing to do with putting pressure on a partner. It is rather a call for the manifestation of one’s own feelings, so that a person has an understanding that he is loved. But it will be up to him to decide how important this is for him.
At the very beginning of a relationship, there is always the opportunity to break it off if one of the partners does not see the prospects for their development. Vulnerable people are often involved in such novels, with reduced self-esteem and fear of loneliness. Instead of developing - working on appearance, intellect, professional career - a person rushes towards the adventurous development of events. There will be no question how to throw a person out of your head if you stop in time. Hopeless relationships can be a deliberate choice of both: a resort or office romance, a purely sexual relationship, mutual use of each other (teacher-student, supervisor-subordinate).
This does not insure that one of the partners will not get into psychological dependence and will not suffer after a break in relations. There are examples when such relationships develop into real feelings, but this is always a risk that a person goes consciously. However, there are times when this happens unconsciously, if one of the parties stubbornly ignores the signs of a hopeless relationship that should be addressed:
- Obvious flaws or habits with which the partner is not ready to put up with the hope of a change in the situation and “re-education”.
- Inequality in social status, age, level of development.
- Most likely, a person will have to face the problem of how to forget a loved one if parents or other significant people oppose relations with him.
- Unequal contribution to the development of relationships (emotional, financial, personal).
- Lack of mutual interests (other than sex).
Stages of suffering
When parting, a person should be prepared for the fact that it is impossible to get out of a relationship with a happy smile. He has to go through all the stages of grief, which are akin to the departure of a loved one from life, because now he really has to live without the previous format of communication. What are these stages?
- The state of shock and stupor. Especially when the decision to part is taken by surprise. It can last several days.
- Denial of reality. Instead of solving the problem of how to get a person out of the head, the partner often tries to find out the relationship by refusing to believe in what is happening. The stage can last a month or more.
- Accepting the situation and experiencing the real pain of loss. It can last about six months.
- Relief of suffering, their departure to the background in the name of other tasks and realities of life.
One of the main fallacies of man is the assertion that time heals. Just as one cannot jump over important stages of grief, it is impossible not to be sad at heart about the loss of a once close person. This is another reason not to arrange dubious experiments on yourself when you get involved in a relationship without a future. But time teaches everyone to overcome pain and store it in the deep stores of the soul, allowing people to live and fulfill their needs. Even with the close relatives dying, the acute pain becomes dull and fades into the background after a period of six months to a year.
The second misconception is that a wedge can only be knocked out with a wedge, which means that it is necessary to rush into a new relationship as soon as possible. Firstly, it is dishonest in relation to a partner who acts as a kind of pill and does not deserve to be used only because someone is experiencing mental suffering. And secondly, this is dishonest in relation to oneself: without going through all the stages of grief, without making the necessary conclusions about the reasons for parting, a person will constantly step on the same rake, again solving the problem of how to throw a person out of his head.
The treacherous "if ..."
Relief will come only when the partner manages to accept the current situation and come to terms with the decision of the other side. What prevents this most of all? Paradoxical as it may seem, hope, faith that something else can be changed, corrected the situation, replay events, words, actions. If the partner has a soft character, he gives a second chance, then a third, but as a result, both spend time, nerves and destroy their own personality. Often, with this decision, the second side allows the first to “chisel” and cope with the separation to the detriment of one’s own interests and feelings. The first became easier, and the second appears aggression and hatred towards the one who simply used it. After all, it is always easier to leave yourself than to be in the role of abandoned.
How to throw a loved one out of your head so as not to sow destruction and hatred around you? Respect the decision of the partner and do not try to look for the guilty party. Feelings do not go away because someone is better, but someone is worse. This is because the two in a relationship are uncomfortable. Do not think about “if ...” and rush into the past. Focus on what needs to be changed in the future.
Breaking relationships is always the responsibility of two. People were unable or unwilling to overcome difficulties and misunderstanding. Resentment is a child’s reaction to failed expectations, but the partner cannot be responsible for not fully meeting the expectations of others. When love falls and pink glasses fall, everyone is free to decide whether or not he is going along with this person. The inability to accept him as he is is not love, but human egoism and personal ambitions. A partner always has a choice: to stay or to leave. To stay is to accept a person with all his shortcomings.
During a romantic relationship, anyone tries to look better than he really is, so you need to be more attentive to those moments how a person behaves with other people. If he leaves the previous relationship, behaving in an inappropriate manner, it can be predicted what will happen when his feelings for a new passion cool down. To overcome grievances, one should not stir up the past, the main motto should be the slogan "Do not remember." The first step towards this is the rejection of the search for the perpetrator of the destruction of relations.
Memories overcome us when there are pauses in our activities. The best thing is to switch to work, hobbies or getting additional education. The main condition is that the business is loved and requires dedication. The day must be planned so that there is no time left for idle pastime. If a vacation is coming that cannot be rescheduled, it is best to go on a trip. New impressions excite the brain and cause the positive emotions that are so necessary when you have to find the answer to the question of how to throw a person out of your head.
Music with a therapeutic effect helps a lot. Be sure to plan outings for concerts of your favorite bands, make videos of their best songs, and discuss the new album released on the forum. All this is possible subject to the main condition - getting rid of the hope of a phone call, a change in decision or mood of a loved one. This may happen, but let it be a surprise when life shows how partners can do without each other. And then the decision will be made by the one who was left. In the meantime, you should remove the correspondence and stop looking for answers to today's questions in past words.
At the first stage, it can be difficult for a person to simply get out of bed and leave the house. I want to be alone and cry. This is normal. Otherwise, how to forget the person you love? Psychology describes cases where the process drags on and people lose control of the situation. At these moments, the help of friends is needed, which should be addressed. They are not only able to listen and support a comrade, but also help organize leisure activities without leaving unnecessary free time. True friends will not make a decision for a person, giving one or another advice, but will focus on increasing self-esteem, which suffers in the first place.
There is an opinion that one should get rid of all things that remind of a once loving person. Sometimes this is painful enough, so you can just put everything in one box or box, put it in a distant place. Time heals to the extent that after a certain period the acute phase of pain passes, and a person is able to decide not on emotions whether to wear a bracelet once donated or not. In many respects, this will depend on whether the partner has found the strength not only to accept the situation, but also to forgive the other person.
After a few months, anyone is able to ask themselves the main question: what is the most distressing thing about his parting. Love is not always the cause of experiences. This may be resentment, disappointment, fear of loneliness or the desire to achieve the desired at any cost - to return a partner, for example. At this time, you can already abandon the “Do Not Remember” rule, because addressing the past will not bring painful experiences. An honest conversation with yourself is very important to be prepared to build new relationships, to draw the right conclusions from past mistakes. The last step should be the forgiveness of the once beloved person, for this we must try to put ourselves in its place.
In psychology, there is a method of family therapy, called the Hellinger permutation method, which helps in building relationships between spouses. One of the principles is an attempt to analyze the actions and feelings of a partner. The method leads to an amazing discovery: even a loving partner, skillfully hiding his true feelings behind a mask of indifference or indifference, in his heart feels guilty, discomfort and dissatisfaction with himself. It was also painful and difficult for him to give up the decision to part, so the other one has no choice but to forgive and forget the person with whom it was simply not in the way with this life. Moreover, forgiveness is needed not so much for the partner as for oneself in order to doom the necessary harmony and peace.
Only after going all this way, a person is ready for happiness awaiting him around the corner.
What to remember in order to forget?
Psychology claims that all people tend to remember better and more clearly what brought them some pleasant sensations and positive emotions. This also applies to memories of past relationships - more often good, warm moments come up in the head and heart. But those cases when the partner offended, made painful and bad, women tend to forget, play down, justify ...
This psychological mechanism, of course, is generally useful to people - thanks to the ability of a healthy human psyche to forget afflictions, we do not get depressed, do not suffer for a long time due to physical pain that was once suffered, etc. But the flip side - we really can underestimate how bad it was for us and convince ourselves that the good outweighs.
Even if the bad was actually so bad that there could be no talk of any “advantage”: for example, one cannot forgive and discard the battering of the “beloved” from memory, recalling how this man once presented you with a bouquet or brought to the sea!
So here. "Beautiful and Successful" claims that the first key to how to throw a person out of his head and heart is to remember bad things well! Offended! Get angry! To tell yourself that this cloven-hoofed one should not want to go back in any case, because it’s bad with him! It is a strong resentment in the heart and anger that can become the catalyst that will trigger the above mechanism of forgetting the bad: you realized that your former beloved was not a gift, you began to think about it in a negative way - and your brain, trying to free you from sad thoughts, began to slowly block all memories on this subject.
What else to do to stop thinking about who you love?
Knowledge of psychology can be very helpful if you cannot get a person out of your head and feel unrequitedly in love. The fact is that any psychological attachment can be overcome in the presence of three points:
- A sufficient number of impressions not related to the object of love,
- Societies of other people with the possibility of active communication,
- Another sexual partner.
With the first two points, in general, everything is more or less clear - to throw a person out of your head, you just need to leave yourself less time and emotional resources to think about the fact that you love him, but he doesn’t, etc. d.
If you go on an interesting trip, "dive" into an exciting project, join a new company, etc. - then "ill" with thoughts about a loved one can be much easier and faster.
But intimate relationships with another person include a very interesting biological mechanism. The fact is that during sexual intercourse, the hormone oxytocin is secreted - this is the "hormone of attachment." If you have sex with the same partner with a certain amount of regularity, then the brain will associate the bursts of oxytocin with his personality, that is, you will want to meet him again and again. And in this situation, the once beloved person will cease to be so significant, the attachment (including psychological!) To him will disappear.
By the way, if you move away from the moral and ethical aspect, and pay attention only to the biological, then you can imagine another option for how to throw a person out of your head. Namely, to have several sexual partners. The fact is that if sex occurs with equal frequency, but with different people, oxytocin is produced, but attachment to someone most often does not arise: since when changing partners, the brain does not link the “oxytocin high” with someone specific - and just wants more sex. From a biological point of view, this is quite natural.
But since we are still people, not animals, it’s up to you to decide whether to start other relationships after not developed, and in what format these new relationships will be - whether we are talking about real sympathy or only about “improving sex”.