Useful Tips

How to become calmer? The first exercise from a lazy mom


Do you like it when they shout at you?

To never again raise your voice, read the rules, especially number 8. It is the most important thing.

1. Give people the freedom to be themselvesleave the idea to control them. When you say "don’t yell at me" - it seems to you that you are defending yourself and your borders, but in fact you are commanding.

Don’t yell at me = I’m in charge here, I want to control you, obey me!

2. Talk about your feelings: "I'm scared / hurt / upset when you scream."

3. Designate YOUR borders: "I am a woman you cannot shout at." Those. You forbid nothing to anyone. In general, he can scream. On others. But not for you. The fact that he screams is his business, not yours. Your business is to indicate your border: you can’t shout at ME. Those. not you can’t, but generally no one can. Such a rule when communicating with me. This rule applies to everyone. Even if I'm wrong (screwed up). I am aware of my responsibility and am ready to resolve this issue. But you can’t shout at me.

4. Do not tell others what to do or not to do.Solve YOUR problems. You cannot order a person to shout to him or not, but you have every right to leave the room or hang up.

5. Indicate the conditions for continuing the conversation: I will be ready to discuss my responsibility (if you were wrong in something) when you calm down. In a calm tone, we will talk and decide how I can correct the situation that I allowed.

6. Remember: no one yells at you. Let's just say shouting "next to you." He screams, not because of you. but because EMU is painful / scary / he is angry / badly brought up / does not know how otherwise.

He is screaming. This is his reaction. Separate his reaction from yourself.

You screwed up.
He is screaming.

These are two parallel processes. The connection is so indirect that it can be considered that it is not at all. (Especially if there were no jambs).

Another person in this situation might have reacted differently. I would have kept silent, laughed, offended, cried, ran away, etc.

7.Here he stands in front of you and yells. Instead of endowing what is happening with any ratings and additional meanings (he is bad or you are bad. You can’t shout. It's bad. I'm scared. Etc.) speak to yourself what is happening: a man is standing in front of me, he screams, waves his hands and stamps his feet.

You can also assume: it’s probably painful for him, he wants to shout to me, or maybe he’s poorly educated or simply unrestrained.

8. Ride on the waves of his screamdissolve in it. You are not. And a scream passes through you.

When you take offense, cry, yell in response - you defend yourself. Like trying to cover yourself with an invisible dome.

The problem is that the one who yells also falls under this dome. There is excellent acoustics under the dome, and it spends less energy, and the scream becomes more.

Let the cry through you, like ears of wheat in an endless field in the wind.

They used to shout at me. Mom, teachers, superiors. I learned to apply these rules and stopped screaming.

My husband was like a test for me. Have I learned a lesson? Do I love and respect myself enough? He is an impulsive person. And it happened - he could raise his voice. It was the most difficult with him, because he is the closest and most beloved. But as soon as I succeeded, he "unexpectedly" became an incredibly restrained person.

Recently, I studied with a strict teacher. He shouted. For everyone. Except me. I squinted no less. At first he also raised his voice, but without encountering resistance, he very quickly stopped raising his voice at me.

If it’s useless to scream at you, if you are “swaying in the wind” (swinging on the waves of the scream), do not defend yourself and do not create a dome with furious acoustics, they will not shout at you at all.

You don’t even have to say how you can’t.

Give others the freedom to be yourself. And instead of screaming, they will choose a different reaction of their own free will, and not because you control them and order "do not yell at me."

Learn to respect others! And, first of all, learn to respect, value and love yourself. And they won’t shout at you. People feel confident and do not shout at such.

Secrets of calm. How not to yell at children and become a calm mother

One of the most frequent requests from mothers for therapy with a teacher and psychologist Anna Bykova: "Help me become calmer." The new book of "lazy mother" - about how to keep calm. Not about how to be able to control yourself and suppress strong emotions. And not about how to maintain external calm, when hurricanes rage inside. The author will help to really become calmer by changing habits, attitudes, attitudes and expectations.

If the morning did not work out for mom, then it did not work out for the whole family. This is the harsh truth of life. After all, only a calm mother is able to withstand a soft smile withstand all family members from small to large, including pets. All their whims, grunts, grunts, deliberate and accidental dirty tricks. As well as aggressive tantrums of someone who does not want to go to kindergarten, or brooding freezes risking being late for school.

If mother cannot stand it, then everyone will want to run away from home, even her mother’s cat, who was sure that he was definitely his favorite child.

Calm Only calm. It is important for us, mothers, to be able to return ourselves to a state of peace of mind. Only from a point of rest are children's conflicts adequately resolved, words for beliefs, consolations, persuasions found. Only a calm mother can be a sufficiently capacious container into which a trusting child will generously spill out her emotional stress.

This is the truth of the "no brainer" series. But knowledge of this truth of peace in itself does not add. Adds a feeling of guilt, because "well, again I could not restrain myself, fell off, screamed, spanked." Mom herself would always like to be sweet, friendly, patient, loving, accepting, but there are not enough resources for this. Not enough time, not enough strength, not enough assistants.

How to keep calm?

How to regain peace (and, therefore, your family)? Alas, only with regular and prolonged exercise. It does not take you much time. (I understand that free time is not just not enough, but not at all.) A maximum of fifteen minutes a day. Three weeks, fifteen minutes a day - a good price for peace of mind, it seems to me.

A simple reading of the book, without doing the exercises, will give the usual result: "I know, I understand, but nothing changes." Only regular exercise can lead to a change in behavior and a new perception of reality.

Why do I think the exercises will be useful to you? Because their effectiveness is tested. Checked by my clients seeking individual advice. It was checked by numerous participants in my online training "Secrets of Calm" (four years, nine groups, in total about six hundred participants, before I sat down for this book).

Verified by me. Because I am also a mother and nothing human is alien to me. I mean, I also feel in relation to my children not only love and joy. And I apply all the exercises that I offer to others myself.

As you read, note for yourself: "This is what I know and apply," "I already know this, but do not apply," "And this is new information." Why make such notes? To increase motivation. If all of the above information suddenly falls into your personal list “I already know, but I don’t apply”, this may be an additional incentive to perform the exercises, because “Stop knowing, you have to practice!”.

What am I feeling right now?

In the meantime, we have not yet reached the exercises, just ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?"

Here are my feelings. Right now I feel a mental strain from picking up words. I feel discomfort in the body from a long sitting, I want to get up and move. I feel anxious about whether I express my thoughts clearly enough. I feel annoyed that the laptop spent a lot of time, and the text was added quite a bit.

I feel annoyed at the din in the next room, because the children started a noisy fuss (one proves to the other that sambo is cooler than karate), and in such cases the dog always gets hysterical. My chihuahua rushes between the boys and the door of my room, invitingly barking. It seems to me, if she spoke our language, it would be: "Horror-horror! They do this there! Go and put things in order!". I feel doubts, whether to intervene or ignore.

At every moment in time we feel something. The basic condition for managing your emotions is the ability to be in contact with them, to be aware of them. If you learn to be aware of the incipient irritation within you, then there will be a chance to take measures to restore peace of mind before the irritation develops into a destructive rage.

Therefore, I recommend you several times a day at an arbitrary point in time to ask yourself the question: "What am I feeling right now?" You can stick colored reminder stickers in those parts of the apartment where they will often catch your eye. We saw such a sticker, put life on the pause for a second, and asked themselves: "What am I feeling right now?" They turned on the awareness mode, told themselves about their condition at the moment. Thus, a new, attentive and careful attitude to their feelings and emotions is formed.

Author Anna Bykova teacher, practicing psychologist, art therapist and mother of two sons