Finally, you are going on vacation - and it turns out that your relatives from your husband / wife also got attached to you. Despite the fact that you are ready to come to terms with this, at heart you scream angrily, especially if your relatives on the part of your spouse / and have the ability to constantly point out your shortcomings in a sugar-sweet manner that does not reach your spouse’s understanding . Unfortunately, what has been done is done, and instead of pouting lips and being annoyed, you will have to use the mechanism of psychological adaptation not only to make sure that you can survive the vacation, but also to find time to enjoy the rest and relax.
Why do conflicts arise?
Conflict with the husband’s family is a very common occurrence. Either the mother-in-law will express dissatisfaction with the way her son’s wife runs the household, or the sister-in-law will begin to show her character and tell that the brother could find a girl and more interesting. For reasons, to spoil relations with relatives of the husband, you do not need to go far:
- Mother is jealous of her son for a new woman, who now means more to him than herself. Of course, she is trying to find any flaws in her daughter-in-law in order to avenge her interference with her family. In the same way, the sister-in-law can be jealous of the brother, especially if before the arrival of the new girl there was close communication between them, the so-called psychological symbiosis with very blurred boundaries of personal space.
- The child who appeared among the young becomes an object of jealousy and competition among relatives for the right to be called the best educator. Neither the native mother nor those who are trying to replace her can like this state of things.
- The father-in-law has his own idea of what his wife should be like. The woman whom the offspring chose for himself is not to his liking.
- It seems to the spouse herself that her husband has the habit of talking too much with family members who climb into the family with their advice.
- Misunderstanding, as between any people, can arise on any basis, at least because of disagreements about which school a child should go to, at least because of political views.
The influence of relatives on my husband is greater than mine
Kent Onish online store - accessories and materials for leather goods. 30% off today
Often a woman is haunted by the idea that communication with her relatives has a much greater influence on her husband than her opinion. This happens, for example, when the spouse’s mother is a very dominant woman and tries to control her son in everything, or the father-in-law tries to patronize his child, despite the fact that he has already grown up and started his own family.
It happens that the husband is materially dependent on his parents. They are ready to give him money, but only on certain conditions, which means that they will follow his every move, including in family life, until they are convinced that he is capable of making completely right decisions on his own.
Of course, few people will be happy if other people crawl with his advice into his personal life. But it should, on the one hand, accept that it should be important for the spouse to communicate with their relatives. There is a chance that you are exaggerating the problem. After all, it is also not indifferent to you what your mother or father will say, or your brother / sister will think.
On the other hand, you apparently knew who you were marrying. If the character of the spouse is dependent and malleable, perhaps he has many other advantages, but is often influenced by the opinions of others, especially his parents, who always gave instructions on what to do.
It’s probably too late to re-educate him. Rather, you have the opportunity to earn the respect of the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law, so that they begin to set you an example, proving to your dependent spouse the significance of your point of view.
Relatives of the husband and children
Children often become a stumbling block. If the conflict with the husband’s relatives caused a conflict on the basis of dissimilar views on the upbringing of the younger generation, then not only you, but the child himself suffers.
It is dangerous when someone puts the children before the choice: “Who do you love more?” A small person has the right to stay away from adult games. If the grandparents on the part of the husband zealously defend their right to communicate with their grandson / granddaughter, this is very good, because the more family members are involved in his / her upbringing, the more multilateral the development will be. Think, probably, it is unpleasant for your husband that you want to protect the contacts of your common child with your grandparents only for your part.
A serious conflict can arise if its participants see the future of the younger generation very differently. For example, you want great achievements from your son or daughter, so you send him / her to various circles, learn foreign languages, make you play sports and dance. At the same time, the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law lament: "Poor baby, he has absolutely no free time, he is deprived of childhood." Or, on the contrary, it seems to you that the husband’s parents are ready to tear the skin from their grandson or granddaughter, if only he / she has achieved anything in life, and you consider your mission to protect him / her from this harmful influence.
The only advice in the event that the fate of the child is at the center of the dispute is that you should act in his interests and reckon with his personal opinion. Be an adult, moderate your ambitions and pride and ask the opposite side for the same. And then begin to figure out what is really useful for the son / daughter and what he / she wants. The child is probably interested in communicating with all adults.
Sometimes a very interesting situation develops. The daughter-in-law, having come to the family, becomes something like an older sister or younger mother for her young sister-in-law or brother-in-law. At the same time, she has the right to have her own view on their upbringing, different from that which their native parents adhere to. Conflict on this basis is very likely, because everyone is jealous of their children for other people.
Here you are already expected to show tact. You can be a good friend for your sister-in-law or brother-in-law, but replacing your parents with them is not your task, and even more so it is not your business to give advice to older adults on how to raise their children.
How to resolve the situation with relatives of the spouse
Often, a conflict with relatives of your soulmate is actually a signal of the presence of hidden personal problems or a lack of understanding between you and your husband. Relatives act as an object on which negative emotions can be thrown out. It seems that you are tired of constant calls from the mother-in-law, but in fact you just worry that you still feel dependent on your parents, only now not your own, but your spouse.
Often we express dissatisfaction with our soulmate by hinting to him about the shortcomings of his relatives: “But your mom ...”, “You should have looked after your sister ...”, etc. Here, of course, it is necessary to resolve the real conflict, and not to experience annoyance at the imaginary flaws of other people.
Learn to relate to the fact that the husband’s relatives are somehow part of your family life. This is not only harmful, but also of great benefit. For example, the question will not arise with whom to leave the little son / daughter, if you yourself, the spouse and your parents are busy, and it is not possible to hire a nanny.
It is not always possible to resolve the conflict. If the spouse’s relatives are completely annoying, you should inform him about this in a mild form, explain that you would like more personal space and the opportunity to live independently, without the need to regularly communicate with your mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc.
Often a person himself lacks the moral strength to say no. For example, you don’t like talking with your husband’s sister, but for some reason you cannot refuse her next offer to sit at tea in the evening to listen to the next stream of complaints and revelations. In this case, you must finally decide: either you really want to stop communicating with a certain person, and then it's time to start decisive actions, or just lie to yourself that you are not satisfied with the situation.
Conflict with other people is often better and more honestly resolved not “behind the eyes”, but by directly clarifying the relationship. This is a very difficult task, as high delicacy is required, otherwise you will only aggravate the quarrel. For example, the fact that you want to communicate more with your husband in private, and not in the presence of his mom and dad, you can try to explain the mother-in-law and the mother-in-law using a lot of humor.
If you live together with your spouse's family, sometimes it seems that buying your own apartment will be the solution to all problems. But the hope of rectification is small if you are unable to establish relationships with the partner’s relatives. After the departure, the husband will still be under their influence.
How to communicate, so as not to run into quarrels
In your power, if not completely corrected, then slightly mitigate the situation. Try to avoid sharp skirmishes, scenes of jealousy and similar intense expressions of negative emotions.
To do this, you need to do psychological work on yourself.
First, convince yourself that the position of the other side deserves respect so that they do not think. Learn to listen carefully or pretend that you are doing this. With some things, it’s easier to just agree on words than to try to refute someone else’s unwavering point of view.
Secondly, be thankful. After all, in fact, probably, your husband wants only the best for your son and you, you just can’t always accept their good intentions because of your character, or the form in which they express them. It will become easier to communicate if you see the positive aspects of the influence of relatives on the spouse and your family with him.
Third, be more flexible. In all situations of life there is a place for your creativity. Do not take the insults you have “on the forehead”, smile more and strive to resolve the conflict productively, and not get by with the recriminations made in a hurry.
Fourth, explain to yourself that it is necessary to communicate one way or another with the relatives of the person with whom you have built a family, so it makes no sense to waste your energy on negative emotions. Better to take it for granted.
Better than in the series "Voronin", relationships with mother-in-law are not shown anywhere.