It is easy to blame your partner for failure, who could not appreciate us. Well, if the reason lies deeper? The temptation to stomp a leg and break all ties leaves no chance to win back a while - too many complaints have been accumulated, too many nerves have been spent. But if your family is dear to you, if your feelings are not completely faded, why not use the tips of psychologists to build relationships? We show the divorce statistics to Kuzkin’s mother.
10 tips to keep a marriage safe from divorce
1. Rediscover yourself
The truth is that personal happiness is the work of our own hands. A partner can go near, help, share experiences, but he cannot afford to fill us from the inside. Thoughts, mood, self-esteem - all this depends on us, and dissatisfaction with life also extends from there. Think about how long you took care of yourself, allocated time for the soul and relaxation? How long have you been doing your favorite hobby? When the internal resource is exhausted, then there is nothing for others to give, we are empty from the inside. That's why you need to get enough sleep, walk yourself, dress beautifully, feed deliciously and defend your desires. Remember who you are!
2. Talk to your husband
If you keep everything in yourself and silently swallow tears - the situation will not change, you need to share your feelings and emotions. What specifically excites you, what does not suit you, what do you want, what do you resist? Call your spouse for a conversation, discuss problems, look for solutions that would suit everyone. It is important to do this in a calm mood, without accusations and claims, while maintaining respect. He didn’t "get me with his football," but "I feel unnecessary when you spend all your free time on football." Are you losing your temper? Take a break, calm down and return to the problem. Just do not let anything go by itself.
3. Do not try to remake it
It is difficult to part with bad habits and negative traits of your own character, what can we say about an attempt to remake others? We are all imperfect, each of us has his own set of "cheburashka", it is important to be able to accept and release it. The scope of the worldview, relationships with others, level of intelligence, habits, interests - look for what unites you, which you can admire and be proud of, and then just focus on it. Do not put pressure on a partner, but encourage the manifestation of his best qualities. Gently and carefully.
4. Refuse ultimatums
Do not try to put something really important on the scales, threaten, manipulate, or even put pressure on guilt. Be wiser, seek compromise, negotiate. Do not make yourself a substitute for the entire surrounding world, it limits, suppresses freedom, forces a person to give up part of himself. Love in such a game does not smell. Threaten with divorce? Be prepared to pack your things and share your belongings, because at some point the string of patience can break: why hold onto a person who does not value you?
5. Get to know your spouse from a new perspective
How long have you just talked heart to heart on a variety of topics? Do you know how your husband lives, what he thinks before going to bed, what last book he read? Share his hobbies with him, try to feel his mood, find out how the day went? Get involved in his world, take an interest in business, cook his favorite breakfasts, stretch out for a walk under the starry sky, make your little dream come true. All these little things are important, they make us discover and reevaluate a lot in each other, and help us find understanding and support. And that means so much ...
6. Learn to forgive
Understand that both of you are to blame for your conflicts; you cannot transfer all responsibility to one. People are imperfect, we can lose our temper, do hurtful things. But you can’t save pain, otherwise you risk breaking forever under this load. Look for the practice of forgiveness, meditate, write letters, at worst, go to a psychologist and work on the mistakes of the past. Just do not get stuck there, do not lose your life energy!
7. More sex and romance
Intimate life is important, without it there is no intimacy that both partners need so much. Have a health problem? Solve them, be treated, but do not start the sexual sphere, you both need a discharge. Follow your figure, make yourself sexy, learn to relax, experiment with new sensations, just don’t stop, age is just a number. Is it hard to sway for sex? Introduce romance: give each other signs of attention, arrange evenings for two, often hold hands and just say tender words to each other. This is an important component of happiness.
8. Learn the language of each other's love
It's no secret that each of us is tuned to our own wave of perception: someone is focused on helping with business or encouraging words of support, the other is waiting for presents, the third for touches. Find out what wave your partner is talking to and use it. Loves surprises? Do something simple but romantic, leave notes, buy chocolates and souvenirs. Waiting for care? Ask how you can be useful and take part in his affairs. It is simple and effective!
9. Never compare
Understand that the people around are not completely frank, they also play roles, trying to seem better. Instagram stories are only part of the truth, no one will lay out their tears, grievances or real life. A bouquet of flowers, a luxurious fur coat, a sandy beach on Goa is just a picture that says nothing about happiness. Do not compare your family with other people's families! Personal on display do not expose. Perhaps the bouquet was ransom for treason, and bought a diamond on credit? Stay realistic and trust social media pictures less.
10. Do not make the child the center of the family
Being parents is cool if you don’t sacrifice relationships. Children still will not appreciate such dedication, they will grow up and leave to build their own lives. Then what are you both left with? Be in the first place for each other, do not forget about the love that binds you, maintain the fire of passion. You should be an example, not a nanny without personal boundaries. And when the nest is empty, it will be easy to rebuild life for you two. Save the family - not a job, but a great art!
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13 tips to keep your marriage falling apart
Learn to listen to the marriage companion.
Your marriage partner has decided to terminate the marriage because of the things that you hurt him. It is unlikely that such a decision was given to him easily. Now try to remember, analyze what he tried to convey to you all this time. What kind of change in relationship was he desperately trying to achieve?
Even if after another scandal you stopped talking, you probably have ways to understand what the life partner wanted. Therefore, in order to maintain a marriage, learn to listen carefully to each other. Make a list of the things that the marriage partner was trying to convey to you, then to make the necessary changes.
Focus on yourself, not on your marriage partner.
In family conflicts, usually everyone wants the other side to plead guilty. We are waiting for the life partner to act differently, pointing to his shortcomings. We do not blame ourselves good for everything, but the spouse. Now it's time to change your mind if you want to keep the marriage. Think in a different vein, for example, what can I do differently to remain loving and good-natured when he does things that I hate? When everyone does this, there will be less conflict.
Make a list of all the issues that you constantly argue with your life partner.
Problems will stop when mutually acceptable solutions to these issues are found and implemented. The couple will gain good skills in resolving future conflict situations while maintaining a relationship in a marriage.
Advice: talking with a partner, say in this vein: “I think I offended you with something, I want to understand what annoys you from my actions, I feel guilty in front of you, as you think, what I need to work on, what to fix? ”By talking in this way, you prevent further disagreements, because the partner does not feel the need to defend himself against the accusations against him.
Make it a rule to make serious decisions together.
One article talked about this as a “win-win waltz”. The goal of a win-win waltz is to come to a conclusion that is pleasant to both partners. There is no longer the principle of "doing as I want." Instead, if disagreements arise, try to calmly talk about your feelings, listening to the words of your life partner. This will help make decisions that meet the desires and preferences of both spouses.
Agree on cooperation.
If it seems to you that your wife has fallen out of love or your husband has fallen out of love, try to understand the reason. Think, your marital relations are so bad that there is no chance to glue love together again? Do not rush to break off relations, because it is always easier to break than to build. Probably your decision and words are simply disappointed. To get rid of it, try to truly cooperate with each other.
For example, a husband feels like an unhappy person because of his overweight wife, then it is worth helping his wife. Why not work together on this, using sports, fitness, jogging. Seeing such support, it will be easier for the wife to work on herself. Wife annoyed by the small (beggarly) salary of her husband? Work together and on this issue, for example, saving more, controlling your expenses, and continue to look for another job.
Patiently show willingness to change.
Try, even in little things, to show your desire to change. Be patient, it is quite possible that a marriage partner will not immediately believe your sincerity and readiness for change. Perhaps even some words or actions will cause your irritation, but patience will be the best proof of your determination to change.
Remember, a successful marriage takes time. Hasty decisions, as a rule, lead to disastrous results. It is always tragic to see how a marriage that could be preserved is destroyed only because decisions were made in a fit of feelings and lack of patience. Without patience, no advice from a psychologist will help.
Read the article: How to be happy in your marriage? In it, we talk about the principles we apply for a happy marriage.
Do not do something that could injure another.
Sometimes the best action is to take no action. Stop doing something that exacerbates the situation, makes you compete with each other. For example, who will offend each other more offensively or who will scandal louder. Stop doing things that you know will annoy your partner.
Remember: stopping bleeding saves many lives. Therefore, it is always better to quickly stop the “bleeding of your marriage” (wrong actions and deeds) without aggravating the situation. Nothing and nobody makes you compete with each other in the desire to hurt another. This is your personal decision, which you can personally refuse.
Make a rule for yourself: your decisions should not cause injury to your partner or cause harm. This will give you more chances to save your marriage.
Believe that your marriage partner has a good heart.
You think your spouse intentionally does things that drive you crazy. Remember, when the human brain hastily draws conclusions, it then actively seeks evidence for its conclusion. If we initially attribute bad motives to the marriage companion, we will actively seek confirmation of our conclusion in any actions. We continue to ignore the good that he does for us.
My wife and I are sure that in all marriages 99% of the marriage partners are not an absolute embodiment of evil, they are simple normal people. Sometimes forgetful, tired, offended by something and therefore doing rash acts, but “unfinished scoundrels”. Learn to look at your partner as well.
Get rid of the negative.
The negative muck that spouses generously give each other is completely useless. Rejecting negativity means that there will be no more criticism, complaints, accusations, anger, sarcasm or malicious remarks.
Psychologists have found that marriages usually survive when the ratio of good to bad relationships is within five to one. Ask yourself: do you want your marriage to just survive or wish it to prosper? If your goal is the prosperity of marriage, then strive for a ratio of one in a million. This means in general, there is no place for "dirt" in the relationship. No more tense situations causing conflict.
If one of the spouses starts to “overheat”, let him go outside and breathe fresh air, go to the gym to drive off his anger, and then, having calmed down, he will return to the interrupted conversation. (By the way, you will find a lot of useful information in the article on how to learn to restrain your anger and aggression, we recommend reading it).
Try to get back to your best version.
This implies personal changes in order to become better today than it was yesterday. Remember why you fell in love? What are the qualities, traits that made you irresistible 5, 10, 20 years ago? Now resurrect the old qualities, adding to them your life experience, and again you will become irresistible. Use time for improvements. These qualities won your hearts once, they can do it again.
Learn to compromise.
It's like a barter deal: you are me, I am you! You give the marriage companion what he needs, in return you take what you need. Using the system of compromises wisely, both parties have the opportunity to preserve their marriage while enjoying the things they really desired. See how the couple lovingly agrees on a decision that suits both spouses, for example in an intimate relationship.
Wife to her husband: “Please help me with household chores so that I can give you a nice night.”
Husband to wife: “today I am preparing a romantic dinner so that you can rest and your head will not hurt.”
Compromise is not applicable when it comes to everyday duties, which in any case must be performed. For example: Husband to wife: “I won’t go to work today if you ...”.
Wife to her husband: “I will not cook if you ...”. Going to work, preparing to eat - these are everyday duties, not fulfilling which will only aggravate the situation.
Increase the positive emotions that give your partner.
Smile more to each other, hug, give thanks, spend more time with each other. Help each other more, praise, laugh, doing more fun things. The more you give away positive emotions, the more you get in return.
Continue to gain knowledge for a successful marriage.
To get behind the wheel, a person must first gain knowledge of the rules and driving, get rights, only then drive the car yourself. A similar principle with marriage. So that in the future you don’t have to worry about how to save a marriage, you need to acquire knowledge today and how to solve various conflict situations. How to learn to adapt to each other, to concede. Therefore, you should read, watch useful information that gives you quality knowledge.
Tips for a wife to avoid a common mistake saving your marriage
The conversation in the kitchen, frustrated by screaming and insults, lasted more than an hour, after which the wife thinks that I will put my husband before a choice or ..., or a breakdown. Quarrels, scandals, hidden insults, lack of desire to communicate - these are the remnants of a once happy marriage. I can’t do this anymore, let her choose, that’s how the woman thinks. Do you know this situation? Perhaps this is your marriage. Unfortunately, millions of women repeat this scenario over and over, making a common mistake.
Women ask: should I give my husband an ultimatum
More than sure, you have already been given similar advice, friends, relatives or grief consultants. Advised to put an ultimatum. I’m sure you’ve already thought about this advice. But will this work? How many marriages were thus saved from decay? Very little.
If you want to say in the future: “I saved my marriage,” then you should not put your life partner in front of a choice. This is extremely inefficient.
Do you think this is an opportunity to keep your husband in control? But it's like eating dessert after every meal. In the short term, it’s sweet, but no good, even harm. Just because you feel good or comfortable does not mean that this is actually so.
The situation with the ultimatum is similar: it works for a short time, but it is of no use. Therefore, you need to honestly answer yourself: will it always act? Or will he provoke a husband to fundamentally make me in vain? Then who controls whom?
Think, having made an ultimatum, you will set your spouse clear boundaries. But where is the guarantee that he wants to abide by them? After all, the fact that the husband behaves this way is not the reason for the lack of clear rules. This lack of motivation to live by these rules. He perfectly understands that he is doing badly, even if he does not admit his wrongness or proves the opposite. В глубине души он понимает, что разрушает брак своим поведением, но у него нет мотивации, поощряющей его изменить своё поведение.
Вывод: ультиматум дает кратковременное ощущение победы, но пропускает свою цель: внутренняя мотивация мужа. It is necessary to learn how to properly motivate a husband so that he personally wants to do the right thing and maintain a marriage. Then save your marriage not for a short time, but for life.
Work on intrinsic motivation begins with an open, honest conversation. The purpose of which is not easy to find out whether you want to live together or not, and agree on obligations. They have a huge impact on your thoughts and actions.
Let me explain with an example: if a child dreams of becoming an Olympic champion, then he is tuned for many years of intensive training and education. A commitment to this goal inspires the young athlete to make sacrifices. This leads all his thoughts and actions, from following a strict schedule of sleep and food to refusing friends to disappear with them in nightclubs. The obligation dictates the athlete to train, apply what he has learned in practice, not give up after falling and continue to improve, improve in order to become the best in the world!
And commitment to marriage will help the couple make the necessary sacrifices in order to maintain and strengthen their marriage. This means abandoning some of their desires, ambition, inclinations when they interfere with marriage. Leave them behind because you are committed to one goal - to save your marriage, as you value marital relations more than other things in life. This is the intrinsic motivation that needs to be awakened in her husband.
Watch a video in which wives are given interesting psychological advice by applying which woman will save her marriage.
The last word
Various studies show that more than half of all marriages ultimately end in divorce. Each marriage has its ups and downs, but let's face it: the time has come for the two to become one. It's time to think, not how to break up a relationship, but how to keep your marriage? Then you can do much more. When two people move in the same direction, they can change the world around them! Difficulties are best addressed not by quarrels, but by compromises. Remember: love, the desire to make an effort to make your marriage happy is the best you possess.