The client, who turned to me with her family and sexual problems, was now at a dead end. Somehow, the state of marriage for her has recently lost its significance.
She began to realize for herself that relations did not develop in any way. If you do something in terms of improving the situation, then the husband does not really need it. And here she is at my reception to deal with her sexual female problem of anorgasmia, and also with the general complex background of her married life. With this I began to work as a sexologist, psychotherapist, and family psychologist.
It is worth understanding what kind of spouse was my client from Moscow?
The girl described him as a weak man. Moreover, he was a player. He made bets, and let down quite large amounts. True, sometimes he won, but still, there were more often misses than good luck.
For some time, the client took her young son with her and left, but then a husband appeared, asked to return, promised to quit playing, but after a while the situation repeated. I, as a psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist, had to explain to the girl that, probably, it would not be naive to believe that he would just give up his dependence. And here, if there is no possibility of propsychotherapy, then it is probably worth making some other decision for yourself. But probably it should be tougher.
Often, such weak men come across ladies who are not that weak, but more insecure in themselves, in their female abilities. They maintain a problem marriage, worsening the quality of their lives. But we proceed from the fact that if together, then it is worth paying attention to the following factor: did the marriage improve my life, or vice versa, I lost the happy condition that was before the marriage.
Here the following has appeared. Earlier, there was love on the part of my client from Moscow, but now this is more of a disappointment in life, in a man, in a relationship.
Further, the spouse does not have a permanent job, and is not the breadwinner of the family. Parents help the girl more in caring for a small child, and when she left her spouse, she came to them. Those, in turn, also advised her to end the relationship. But the client is still not quite ready to make such a decision for herself, although, somewhere, deep down in her soul, she realizes that nothing will change, and everything rolls only towards complication.
I note that at this psychotherapeutic session, my client from Moscow had more to talk out than to work, and to understand some kind of relatively more correct third-party position of a person not included in the situation, i.e., a specialist - sexologist, psychotherapist, or family psychologist. Now the girl has in her head a clearer picture of what is happening in her life, and from here, she will be able to analyze everything and make some right decision for herself with a clean mind, taking into account all the pros and cons of this marriage.
But already the client herself now understands that there are almost no "for" left. Love has gone passion, there is no desire to have sex in place of all this came anorgasmia and apathy.
In any case, it is worth continuing our work, and the next step, what should be done, will, for example, be to eliminate the fear of being left alone, to be unclaimed by other men, to lose status, etc. (this is in case the client will be inclined towards a divorce).
Or harmonization of relations, if she decides to keep the marriage. But in this case, it would be nice to meet my husband personally and understand what kind of person he is and how he sees his future and the future of his family.
What are some family problems?
So, the first problem is bad habits. Alcohol, smoking and drug addiction are increasingly appearing in modern families. Alcoholism can destroy any relationship, and drug addicts do not accept modern society at all.
However, these problems are not alone. There is also a game addiction. Gamers can harm not only themselves, but also to all their friends and relatives.
Such social problems of the family can be solved only with the personal desire of a sick person. If this desire is present, then you can resort to hypnosis or special courses of psychological assistance.
Family communication problems are in second place on the list of troubles that can destroy a family. Basically, these problems appear in people with completely different characters and social interests. Such people often have different views on parenting, social behavior, as well as material issues.
However, despite different outlooks on life, if people love each other, then their relationship will save compromises. It is necessary to choose an option that suits both. Or alternate desires of each other.
The next disaster is material issues. Low salaries contribute to scandals in 39% of families. And this is a direct path to the destruction of family relationships.
To solve this problem, it is important to determine the essence of the current conflict and try to eliminate it. It is not so easy for the young head of the family to find a decent job with good pay. And the wife should understand this. The right decision would be to try to help her husband increase his income, rather than "sawing" him day after day.
How to solve family problems of a domestic plan?
Domestic issues have a very important role in the relations of a young family. Yesterday, the young couple lived at their pleasure, and now the problems and responsibilities of family life fell on their shoulders. In adulthood, less time is devoted to romance, and everyday life completely eats feelings.
To solve this problem, it is important to understand yourself. If love is still hot, allow yourself more joy and pay attention to each other.
An important problem of modern families is the lack of common goals. Such pairs just go with the flow. Each day is similar to the previous one. The life of a young family is boring, and the couple do not know what to do with themselves.
It is very important to build general plans. Even if brief, for example, how to spend a weekend. It is very good if the spouses manage to come up with a common dream and work together to achieve it.
A young couple needs to understand that their family comes first. The key to good family relationships is love and mutual respect. You should spend time together more often and show your loved one how much he is dear.
Problems of family life
So, take a few minutes and honestly answer the question - What kind of family life do you want for yourself? After all, it is he who decides the completeness of your answer.
Many can answer what they want:
- A happy family where there will be mutual understanding and love. As well as romance, diversity, tranquility, joy.
- There was no "everyday life", and there were no conflicts.
But all these are just abstract concepts, which are probably something concrete behind. It is important to understand what exactly you mean by the word love or happiness. After all, perhaps your loved one and would be happy to make you happy, but he does not know how. And all because you yourself cannot understand what this word means to you.
In Russia, as in Ukraine, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and only a small part of people manage to maintain relations. But this is not a guarantee that they will live happily ever after. Perhaps these couples just have more patience.
According to statistics, many couples collapse precisely because of a lack of understanding. More precisely, because men and women have different ideas about this. What is good for a man can be bad for a woman and vice versa. And this is not at all because we are enemies or rivals. It’s just that we were never taught to express our thoughts specifically, to say what we want and what love means to us.
If during a quarrel of spouses go up to a woman and press a pause, and then ask - what should her husband do to make her happy? Without further ado, that she feels bad and how bad he is. Specifically, what should he do? And for sure, she will not answer. Since she does not know herself. A woman can paint her inner experiences, but does not know how to calm them down.
Then the accusations begin. A classic example is when a woman tells a man that he does not care about his family. And in response, he begins to accuse her of the same.
An important part of conflicts also falls on grudges, because often we cannot express them, but save ourselves. And sometimes, quite a long time. For example, seven years ago a woman was offended by her husband because he did not do something while she was pregnant. But all these years he did not even guess about it. The fact that we do not know how to properly communicate with each other, we hide insults deep within ourselves, turns into a kind of baggage on which we no longer want to build any kind of relationship.
The main reason for conflicts in the family is the lack of an accurate and clear understanding of what we want from the family and what the words “love, mutual respect, harmony, happiness” mean for each of us.
And now back to the very requirements that many people put forward. But we will replace them with more precise desires.
If you remove the abstraction, then they can look like this:
- We have dinner at the restaurant or go to the cafe every week.
- Our weekend is dedicated to children.
- Twice a year we go to rest.
- We help each other make our dreams come true.
- We both create a cozy atmosphere in the house.
And just having a constructive concept of what you want, you can somehow start a conversation. After all, it is one thing if you swear with your loved one about the fact that he does not pay you due attention. And he may not even understand what this means to you. And another thing, when you told your spouse, I want us to go to the cinema twice a month, and if he does not agree with this, then you can already figure it out.
Love is an action, not a feeling. And if you are not ready to do something for your man, then what is there to talk about?
There is an opinion that love is met, and if after three years you realize that it is "not yours", then you met the wrong person. But actually love is built and you yourself choose the person whom you will love. Feelings can and should be created.
Another pressing issue in family life is that often men do not share their problems with women. And not because they do not trust them or do not like. It is laid down in them that they must solve their problems themselves, because they experience their insolvency much more strongly than women. Therefore, you should not require a man to admit to you that in some aspects of his life he was a failure. If he wants, he will tell you about the reasons for his concern.
Exercise number 1
Now back to the definitions that were mentioned above. To show you that men and women are really different, do a simple exercise.
Write, using verbs, what the words “love, happiness, understanding, joy” mean to you. May happiness become an action and love an act.
Just do not answer in this way: to meet friends, make love, talk and so on. Give as specific a response as possible, for example, meeting friends where? When? How many times? Talk about what? After all, your spouse is probably talking to you. Make love how many times?
Your task is to learn how to translate your values into concrete words that will be clear to you and your partner. After all, otherwise you will hear such phrases as “I didn’t mean it” or “I didn’t subscribe to it”.
Exercise No. 2 "Nine Criteria of Happiness"
After you are finished with this exercise, you need to do one more thing. It is better if your spouse also takes part in this.
The meaning of this exercise is to supplement sentences with your thoughts. You need to answer with one word or phrase that comes to your mind. There are no right or wrong answers. The main thing is that there is specificity.
- Usually people who are happy in a relationship ...
- Happy people have a relationship ...
- Happy people in a relationship never ...
- Other people in a happy relationship are distinguished ...
- In family relationships, people are happy if ...
- Happy in family relationships is one who ...
- In a relationship, people are unhappy because ...
- Most important for a happy person in a relationship ...
- All people in a happy relationship are united ...
As a result, you will get a list of nine values that are important to you. It is advisable to compare what you and your spouse have written. If you have something in common, then that’s good. And if not, then it's okay. But now each of you knows what needs to be done for the happiness of the other.
Quality of Life Scale
If you have completed the previous exercise and finally realized what is important to you, then let's figure out what determines your quality of life. The quality of life is not measured by what we think about it, but by what traditions, emotions do we live in it. After all, if you are comfortable, then your life is comfortable.
The function of emotions in life is not exaggerated, because they show where we are now. For example, you feel bad, and your emotion shows you that in the state or place where you feel bad now, you need to change something. But more often than not, everything gets worse when you start thinking this emotion.
“You are sitting by the window and see it is raining. Gray clouds clouded the sky, and no hint of the sun was foreseen. And succumbing to this, you begin to think that the dollar has increased, and with it the price of food. And also, you have a loan ... "
From such thoughts, any person will begin to feel bad, because you can not be in high condition, if they are negative.
Remember that no one affects your feelings and mood. You decide it yourself. Undoubtedly, they may try to lead you astray, but it will be difficult to do so.
Be that as it may, but subconsciously a person is drawn to someone who is always good, because surrounding yourself with unhappy people, you cannot feel good.
But we cannot always feel good or live in a full sense of unhappiness. During the day we experience several climbs, which are displayed in the scale below.
What is fraught with being in a bad mood? First of all, this makes you uncomfortable. And secondly, a person in a good mood is unlikely to be able to quarrel with someone. In any case, this will be problematic. In addition, your well-being affects your environment.
Many people are afraid to change their social circle and themselves, and therefore it is worth asking yourself three questions:
- Why do you need to live that way?
- If you radically change the situation, then what is the danger?
- What will change in your life if the relationship becomes radically better?
No one guarantees that if you change something, your life will be significantly better. But if you don’t try, nothing will change for sure.
Be that as it may, but all the questions can be answered and there are a few basic tips.
- You can learn from your mistakes. But it will cost you dearly.
- You can read books and search for answers yourself. But unfortunately, not all literature is good. Including sites on psychology.
- Seek help from a qualified psychologist.
Family quarrels: why do they occur?
Do I need to get a divorce?
The first year of family life, how to establish life?