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I can not deal with resentment

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Because of what little things people do not quarrel and do not take offense at each other. The husband did not notice the new hairstyle, did not kiss goodbye, forgot about the next date, bought the wrong gift. How to respond to such male misconduct? How to prevent grievances and omissions to spoil your life?

Resentment tends to accumulate. And then you look, and not far from a divorce. Maybe you shouldn’t take them to such extremes and just try to avoid reasons for offenses? Well, is it hard to remind your husband in advance that your wedding anniversary is coming soon? Maybe of course he himself remembers that soon a family holiday has already bought a gift, but an extra reminder will definitely not hurt. So you protect yourself from unpleasant surprises, and maybe even together plan something romantic. Just don’t make a tragedy out of your husband’s forgetfulness and enjoy life. In extreme cases, you can take the advice of a family psychologist, talk about everything that does not suit you and come to a compromise.

Most of us, unfortunately, do not know how to do this. Sometimes even the smallest household troubles can seriously poison a life. It is much more effective to solve problems that, in essence, are only the result of misunderstanding, at an early stage, i.e. in the bud. Let's look at the most common causes of quarrels and see how to deal with them.

He does not notice your beauty

Here you are trying for him, running around the beauty salons, and he is zero attention. Even if you ask him how you like my new hairstyle, he will scoop out something slurred and turn away to the TV. How so! A soccer match is much more interesting than talking with your beloved wife. The most annoying thing is that colleagues at work notice changes in appearance and even make compliments, and he would at least henna. Maybe he just stopped seeing a woman in me?

A heterosexual man does not need to demand attention to the smallest details of your appearance. He is unlikely to notice a change in the color of your nail polish or lipstick. He sees the beloved woman as a whole and is not in the least for him. And this does not mean at all that he has ceased to love you. Just men are so arranged. Better learn not to pay attention to it. Work on self-esteem! Use little female tricks! Men are pleased to know that they invest in a beloved woman and her impeccable appearance in many ways and his merit. More often remind him that it was he who gave the money to buy a new dress, that he likes this particular style and he will definitely appreciate your appearance exactly the way you want it to.

He wants to do everything his own way! Horror, how stubborn he is! It is worth something to advise him, and he does everything exactly the opposite. Moreover, he never admits that he was wrong. Why is he acting like that?

This is absolutely normal behavior for males. A man considers himself the head of the family and wants to demonstrate this with his whole nature. Perhaps you should not apply for leadership and assume the role of a gray cardinal? You can easily make your husband agree with you without proving his innocence. Just smoothly bring it to your conclusion. Ambition does not lead to anything good when it comes to personal relationships.

The husband does not regret, does not console, does not apologize. Maybe he is a sadist? So offensive and painful from the feeling of insecurity and uselessness.

It is possible that a man, more rational in nature, simply does not know how to comfort you. It is unlikely that your husband is really a sadist; rather, he is a man in whose soul a crying woman causes panic. Think about the true reason for your tears. Maybe you just want your husband to give you more attention? But isn’t it worth telling the husband directly about your needs? If the husband realizes that his wife needs his support and participation, he will probably be much more attentive and tolerant of women's weaknesses.

Always dissatisfied with everything

No matter how he comes home from work, he’s not in the mood all the time. Yes, and at home dissatisfied with everything. What to do? Is it really so hard for him to share his problems?

It is possible that the husband simply enjoys your feelings about his mood. It’s better to leave it as it is, do not make excuses, do not bother with inquiries. You can tell how you worry that he is tired. You can talk with him when he is in a good mood. In no case do not crumble in an apology, otherwise you will feed the vampire, and it will only get worse.

Many women suffer from the fact that their husband is too passionate about football. Some men also invite friends to watch football matches who bring strong drinks with them. Is there no reason for frustration?

Football is not a terrible addiction. Try to relate to this little masculine weakness easier. It may pose as an avid cheerleader and is not worth it, but swearing usually does not lead to anything good. In order not to get stuck on each other, more often communicate with friends.

He constantly makes a mess, scatters things and does not think to clean up after himself. You cannot force him to do household chores, because of this there are endless quarrels.

This is the most common male flaw. Do not think that your husband does not respect you or perceives you as a servant. Maybe you yourself spoiled him and accustomed to this state of affairs? Try using your favorite female means of persuasion - tricks and affection. Do not make scandals and calmly take away his things, only if he suddenly cannot find them in a hurry, this is not your fault. Then try to calmly talk with him and explain that his behavior is unpleasant to you. If this doesn’t solve the problem, try talking to him seriously. True, in this case there is a risk of hearing claims against yourself.

Well what is it? Why do you have to remind several times that you need to fix the tap or put the shelf on the wall? I fulfill all my duties!

It is necessary to clearly allocate responsibilities and try to adhere to this order. Praise your husband for his part of the housework, and even more so if he has done anything beyond his duties. Try to schedule a specific homework, and note what you’ve done. This simple technique will greatly help you and accustom your husband to the fact that part of his homework must be completed on time.

Many women do not like when their husbands pay attention to other women. Sometimes it even begins to seem that the feelings are gone, since he pays so much attention to extraneous beauties.

Think, you also pay attention to attractive men. And at the moment when you examine a tanned body or a fit figure of a man passing by, you don’t stop loving your husband at all. So why can he not stop looking at a beautiful girl?

Men love to see beautiful women. It is inherent in them by nature itself. The loyalty of a man must be judged by completely different criteria. It is possible that it is all about your self-esteem. Pay more attention to yourself and increase your self-esteem, then such views of your husband will not upset you.

You can not accumulate negative energy in yourself. It is harmful to health and peace of mind. The offender may not be aware that he hurt you. In this case, the demonstration of resentment is absolutely meaningless. Do not accumulate resentment and worry about the little things. At its core, resentment is anger driven inside. It can break out in the form of stress, depression or aggressive behavior, and can develop into illnesses and nervous breakdowns.

Psychologists advise getting rid of the consequences of resentment as soon as possible. You can draw your anger, you can write about your experiences, you can turn to a specialist for help. But the most effective way is to be frank with your chosen one. Just talk about all your grievances right away and avoid being silent. As soon as you get rid of insults, life with a loved one will be much happier, and relationships will become harmonious.

Men do not always understand women. Their brain is arranged differently, so do not think that the other half just wants to get you crazy. Men are not able to perceive the same amount of information as women, therefore they cannot discuss the problem for a long time. If you want to reach the chosen one, speak more reasonably and briefly. They do not understand half-tones and hidden messages, therefore it is useless to use them when communicating with a stronger sex. Try to look at the conflict through the eyes of a partner, and perhaps he will appear before you in a different light.

Our grievances very often represent the fruit of our imagination and fantasy. Talk about your claims and grievances, increase self-esteem and life will sparkle with new, bright colors.

Reader's Letter

I often take offense at my son. He is only five years old, but he always argues with me, snarls, and sometimes he just does something to me in spite. I try to explain to him that it’s so bad to do it, but usually it makes me so upset that I just leave for my room and cry. Then the son comes to me as if nothing had happened. And I want him to understand how I was hurt by his behavior. And I continue to be offended by him. He comes and wants us to play together or I read him a book. And I am lying on the couch with a stone face and pretending not to notice him. He is frightened, begins to cry, says "mommy, I'm sorry." I feel very sorry for him at such moments, but I do not believe that he really realized how he offended me. And I continue to be offended.

I myself am very ill from these repeating stories. I understand that to be offended is a sin, and even more so - to be offended by a little son. But I can’t help myself. And on the other hand, after all, there is a commandment "honor your parents." And my son treats me as his peer - he is rude, does not obey, all the time he wants everything to be only according to him. I grow it alone, we don’t have a dad. And I don’t know what to do with all this. Resentment is a wrong feeling, but I can’t defeat it.

Never involve children in conflict

Before overcoming a strong resentment against her husband, it is important to understand how to prevent countless quarrels. Any conflict should be stopped immediately if the child appears on the threshold. Think about his fragile psyche, so you should not involve him in solving your problems. If only because any extra word spoken to each other can hurt the feelings of children and change their attitude towards parents.

If you want to say something rude and unpleasant, mentally count to ten. Perhaps the desire to quarrel will disappear. Do not provoke a soul mate to a conflict. Who will be better off from this? One way or another, everyone will remain in their opinion, so is it worth it to upset the emotional state of a partner?

Revenge - no!

Many women are desperately trying to find out how to avenge their husband for an insult. Never spouse your spouse, even if he mortally offended you. Do not try to touch him for a sore spot, involving old quarrels or negative situations in the conversation. Perhaps if you do not take advantage of vindictiveness, then your marriage will be saved, but as soon as offensive words are uttered in response or a wounding act is completed, there will be very little chance of a good life together.

Never take revenge, and if you promised to forgive your husband, then do not remind yourself of quarrels after a while.

Basic rule

If you don’t know how to overcome resentment against your husband, then use this advice. If the cause of the conflict was not a betrayal of the spouse, but only some kind of wrong actions and spoken words, then it is necessary to conduct a preventive conversation.

In most cases, partners in a relationship are offended by the rudeness that was pronounced against them. Explain to your spouse what exactly hooked you.

There is a golden rule: if nothing helps to cope with the desire to quarrel, then do it, but only without humiliation and insult. Everyone swears, you can’t do without it. Each person has his own emotions, feelings, outlook on life. And even people who love each other can have hundreds of differences and differences of opinion.

How to survive the conflict?

Resentment against your husband can ruin your marriage and relationships in general. But if after a quarrel there is a strong residue, then look at your partner. Do you really want to continue living with this person under one roof, one family? If a positive answer does not cause you any doubt, then you need to start work on restoring relations.

Battering

Most women who are humiliated and insulted by their husbands do not want to break the marriage. But if a man once dared to raise his hand to his beloved during an ordinary quarrel, then there can be no question of any restoration of relations. However, it is important to understand that the stronger sex are the same people as women who have emotions, feelings and a limit of patience. If a girl begins to beat her man, provoking him to a fight, then at that moment she turns from a spouse or girlfriend into a sparring partner. However, nothing will justify the guy who was able to kick back. Even if the blame for the provocation lies entirely with the woman.

In this case, only an immediate termination of the relationship can help to survive the resentment of the husband.

Serious quarrel

After the conflict, you need to talk with your spouse - a popular advice from psychologists. Resentment against her husband will torment you if you do not dot all the “i” in time. Remember that this is not a simple domestic conflict, but a serious quarrel leading to the collapse of the marriage.

If you understand that a man is really ready to listen to you and change, then conversation in this case will be the best medicine against resentment. But before you express your dissatisfaction with a partner, it is best to write them on a piece of paper and then read it several times.

This method allows you to “pour out your soul” and not be afraid that someone will know the truth of your family life. It will become much easier for you as soon as you express yourself on paper. Sometimes, after reading the written quarrel and resentment, they seem not so terrible and deadly. Sometimes girls simply burn a complaint sheet and prefer not to talk to her husband about this topic, forgetting and forgiving everything.

As a rule, grievances expressed to her husband can be unjustified and exaggerated. Therefore, before you go to sort things out, it is recommended that you clearly know what your partner’s fault is concrete, not far-fetched.

To reconcile

“Yesterday we had an argument with my spouse. He told me a lot of nasty things, however, as I did to him. Now my grudge gnaws at my husband. What to do? Is it worth it to compromise, or wait for an apology from him? ”, It is important to understand that not all women are ready to accept the situation as it really is.

Even if you imagine that your spouse really offended you, you need to give him time to think about the whole situation. Of course, resentment against a husband can be much stronger than the ability to tolerate and wait several hours or days.

To get started, let your spouse come up first to apologize and repent. When he takes the first step towards reconciliation, never show him your character. Your husband has found the strength to step on the neck of pride. Remember that only a strong person can forgive, so learn this ancient art.

It can be very difficult to step over your self — but one day you will realize how much easier it is to live without your pride and selfishness. Let the pronoun “we” often sound in your family, and then the number of quarrels will decrease.

If your spouse did not dare to approach first, but you want to make peace, you will have to act independently - decisively and without hesitation. In most domestic quarrels, both are always to blame - one because he could not control himself, and the other, because he was not able to get away from the conflict and keep silent when necessary. Go up to your husband and offer to talk seriously. Explain what offended and offended you in return for the revelations on his part. Let the spouse express where you were mistaken. When all the dots above the “i” are placed, it is necessary to take a general solution to the conflict.

But what about treason?

Forgiveness is extremely difficult and sometimes impossible. Treason always entails, if not divorce, then cohabitation, but for the sake of children, a common loan, a mortgage or old parents who may not survive the gap. In this case, many women wonder how to forgive her husband for resentment and betrayal.

  • Firstly, every girl wants to get guarantees that her husband will never cheat on her again, either physically or mentally.
  • Secondly, it is important to learn to trust your man. This advice applies to those women who have agreed to forgive infidelity, but for many months, or even years, have been reproached for his mistake, and they are let go of work with pain and tension.

If you have accepted your spouse, agreed to never remind you of betrayal, then that is how it should be. If you can’t overcome the grudge against your husband, then sooner or later you will become the culprit of divorce. И это несмотря на то, что когда-то давно супруг сделал вам больно, изменив.

Представьте себе, сможете ли вы жить с этим мужчиной под одной крышей, зная, что однажды он предпочел другую женщину вместо вас? Если свыкнуться с этой мыслью будет тяжело, то лучше не соглашаться на восстановление брака. So you will think only about one thing - how to avenge your husband for insult.

But cheating in return will not bring you satisfaction. On the contrary, you will feel even worse - humiliated and low.

Learn to forgive

Not all women know what to do with resentment against her husband. Psychology, along with religion and philosophy, teaches people to forgive. Resentment after words, quarrels or conflicts makes you vulnerable and weak. You spend valuable time on meaningless clarifications of relationships, and then on endless thoughts about what was said or done during conflicts. Of course, if a quarrel has grown into a fight or moral violence, it is best to delete such a person from your life.

Domestic conflicts are easily resolved, especially if you understand that most of them were born due to financial difficulties, parental responsibilities, illnesses or high expectations. Marriage is a place where two people are ready to support each other and develop together. You should not allow your pride, emotions, or inability to control your temper temper to ruin your relationship. Learn to forgive, even if for this you have to step over your self.

Do not go in cycles

The resentment that sits within you can become destructive, where one spark will lead to a huge explosion. Even if your husband insulted or humiliated you, said or did something very unpleasant, then do not let your emotions prevail.

Imagine a situation where you said a few words to your husband about the insult, he apologized, and the relationship returned to normal. But something in the depths continues to torment and torment you, forcing every day to return to that conflict situation. Soon, these feelings will develop into something more, making a self-confident and emotionally unbalanced person out of a self-confident woman. Any trifle will be accompanied by quarrels and another “Do you remember the last time you said / did?”

Where to escape from thoughts

The best way to deal with mental trauma is to work. And not necessarily mediocre, where you need to go 5 days a week. By work, you can mean any activity - hobbies, sports, travel and shopping.

Take your mind and body with something, distract from your own all-consuming thoughts in order to regain confidence in your relationship and not get hung up on insults. Constantly thinking about negative things, you attract only negative events into your life.

Analyze how serious your grievances are. Can you live with them in the future? Why did you decide to forgive your husband? Can you accept his apology in the future? Have you embellished the situation? Do you want to be regretted after an argument? Do you have a habit of looking for those responsible for any conflicts?

Answers to these questions can help you understand the importance and seriousness of your grievances. If you understand that the situation is not worth the waste of your life energy, then do you need to remember and focus on conflicts from the past?

There are no perfect people

Everyone has the right to make a mistake. You probably also once allowed your emotions to prevail - you offended loved ones, hurt them. Someone still holds a grudge against you, but the others have forgiven and forgot all the old grievances.

If your husband made a mistake, then give him the opportunity to fix it. Do not present yourself as if you are the only person in the world who has been hurt or even unpleasant. If all conflicts and quarrels are not systematic, however, like resentment, then let the spouse apologize, conclude, remove life experience from the situation and try never to repeat the same mistake again.

This rule should be supported by women who, sooner or later are able to say a few rude words or provoke a partner in a conflict. When you learn to forgive and forget all the negativity, then in the end you yourself will become a more balanced, kind person who is surrounded by people who are ready to accept an apology and not remind you of quarrels.

Finally

If you want to live happily in a marriage, then learn to control your emotions, be prepared for ongoing training within the family, to gain new experience. But the most important thing in a relationship is the ability to forget grievances and not let them settle in your mind. In the best cases, you will find another conflict and disagreement in the family, and in the worst, an unpleasant aftertaste from regular quarrels, an undermined emotional state, and a broken marriage.

Remember that resentment can never change the person who hurt you. This feeling will break, destroy only you inside. If the spouse has realized the guilt and is ready to change over time, then give him a second chance, but let all the negative thoughts out of your mind and heart, get rid of rancor, learn to forgive and be tolerant in order to restore your old relationship.

How to unpack “packaged anger”

The psychologist Alexander Tkachenko answers the reader’s question

From the point of view of psychology, there are no feelings of “right” or “wrong”. There are simply feelings that a person experiences and which are not an annoying or harmful mistake. Each of them is quite real, with each of them should be considered and treated with respect. And even more so - when there is human pain, suffering, emotional wound behind them.
Resentment of a mother to her young child is a very strong and painful feeling. And when they depreciate him, declare him “wrong," and explain in detail to tired, exhausted mothers why they should not test him, it’s about the same as telling a person with a bad tooth why he is to blame for his suffering.

Moms take offense at their children. This is simply a fact of their emotional life, arising under conditions of prolonged stress caused by overwork, chronic lack of sleep, lack of support from relatives, and a high responsibility for the life and health of their baby. To give a negative assessment of this fact is a deliberately senseless and merciless matter, which only adds to the bitterness of the insult the bitterness of guilt for this insult. Therefore, we simply try here to talk about what resentment is, to describe the mechanism of its occurrence and talk about how to cope with this painful feeling.

Resentment in psychology has several names. For example: resentment is an unexpressed demand. Indeed, this feeling arises when you think that your rights were infringed in some way, you were insulted, hurt, but for some reason you could not demand from your offenders that they stop behaving like that.

Resentment is sometimes called a childish feeling. This does not mean that only children can be offended. It is just that it is a child who, in communicating with his parents, very often faces the inability to express his demands to them and is forced to suppress flared emotions, as he already knows from sad experience that their open expression will not end in anything good for him.
What emotions do you have to restrain a child in communicating with dad, mom, grandmother? Of course, this is anger, annoyance, annoyance, anger. A child, like any other living creature, experiences them from time to time. But any attempt to express them to parents is usually thwarted, and sometimes very harsh.

Hence another definition - packaged anger. In fact, resentment is a complex emotion consisting of two simpler components: self-pity and anger at the offender. It arises where a person, contrary to his will, was forced to stop this anger, “pack” it, and did not let her splash onto the one who caused the pain.

Oddly enough, resentment also has quite constructive functions that minimize the dangerous consequences of a conflict between loved ones.

After all, we are most acutely experiencing the pain and injustice inflicted by those whose value we value, whom we would not want to lose. If relations with a person who has hurt our feelings are not too important for us, we usually give a decent rebuff, defend ourselves or attack - according to the threat that has arisen. A completely different situation is when a person who does not want to quarrel causes a mental wound. Then the outbreak of aggression has to be suppressed and live for some time with this “packaged” anger until the feelings calm down at least a little and there will be an opportunity to talk about them without screaming and breaking the dishes.

Trying to protect the relationship from breaking, we give up immediate self-defense. But at the same time, we still hurt, offended and very sorry for ourselves. This bitter cocktail of repressed anger and self-pity manifests itself at a bodily level in a very definite way. Resentment is easily read on a person’s face through trembling lips, eyes full of pain and frustration, impulsive movements. Or - if the reaction is not dominated by self-pity, but by anger at the offender - through tightly clenched jaws, pursed lips, paused gaze.

Such a spontaneous outbreak of resentment is both a brake on retaliatory aggression in the offended and an important social signal for the offender, by which he can easily determine that his words or actions caused pain and urgently needs to be rectified. But this happens only when both parties to the conflict are interested in continuing the relationship and have a certain degree of emotional maturity that allows them not to get stuck in this phase. Then, as soon as the pain from the insult subsides a little, the offended person has the opportunity to present it to his partner, to tell about his feelings. And the offender - show compassion, regret, ask for forgiveness. In such a situation, resentment acts like a lighthouse, which, on a stormy night, signals the captain with its fire: be careful, your ship is off course and goes straight to the rocks.

These are the functions of resentment normally when it comes to relationships of emotionally mature people who are not prone to manipulation.

But it also happens that quite adults are accustomed to declaring their needs only in such a "childish" way, through resentment. And then pursed lips and a stopped gaze can turn into a powerful tool for influencing a partner, into emotional “torture mites” with which such immature children will constantly pull everything from each other - from assurances of love and loyalty to a trip to a resort or buying a new one a car.

And then we can say that the resentment of a person turned into a form of passion. In the Christian understanding, passion is a certain property of human nature, which was originally kind and useful, but later turned out to be disfigured by misuse beyond recognition and turned into a dangerous disease.

From a sensible way to keep anger out of flames and show the offender that he is causing you suffering, resentment can also turn into a passionate, sick form. This happens when a person is “stuck” in his insult for a long time and even begins to receive some paradoxical pleasure from her. In the Orthodox tradition, such a passion is called remembrance. Rev. John Climacus found a very expressive image for her description: "... a nail stuck in the soul, an unpleasant feeling, beloved with charm and delight."

Resentment is a mechanism of restraining anger and signaling a partner about the pain inflicted on us. But in this capacity she “works” only when it comes to people with approximately the same experience of understanding the feelings of another person.

What happens when the participants in the conflict have this unequal experience, as, for example, for mother and her five-year-old son? For ease of understanding, we consider this situation in parts.

Question one: can mom get mad at her baby? Yes easily! She is a living person and is capable of experiencing a feeling of anger, for example, when a child is excessively naughty, stops listening, does not want to put away toys. It is only in children's books and cartoons that mothers are always kind, affectionate, all understanding and endlessly patient. In real life, any mom of “angry” situations can have as many as she wants. Even the most harmless things can make you angry if she is very tired, if she hasn’t got enough sleep for many nights, or just feels unwell.

Question two: will such an angry mother show aggression towards her child? There are various options. But nevertheless, as much as she has the strength, any mother tries to restrain herself in such situations, and probably there is no need to explain the reasons for this.

Question Three: what is the name of the feeling that arises when anger that has barely broken out is immediately suppressed and “packaged” without finding a way out in aggressive behavior? That's right, this is it - resentment. With clenched jaws, pursed lips and a fixed gaze fixed on nowhere.

And now the time has come for the fourth, most important question: can a five-year-old child correctly “read” these signs of resentment on her mother’s face and understand that she is now hurt and ill, that her mother needs to be sorry and supported? With all certainty, we can say that at this age the child still does not know how to subtly recognize the feelings of other people. He is not yet capable, upon seeing his mother’s face change, immediately say: “Mom, dear, it seems that I did something wrong. Tell me, what upset you? ”Most likely, he will not notice this change at all and will continue to behave further as if nothing had happened.

A very important conclusion follows from this.

In relations with a child, the signal function of resentment does not work. Not because he is so cruel and heartless. And because he is small and still poorly able to understand feelings, both strangers and his own.

In this situation, resentment can only halfway accomplish its tasks: it helps the mother restrain her anger and not spill it on the child who does not understand anything. But to inform him about his feelings will have, as they say, in plain text. Without expecting from him miracles of insight, unusual for his age.

It would seem that it’s easier to tell your son or daughter what you are feeling right now. However, there is a rule here, without which such a conversation is likely to lead to nothing. The rule is as follows:

you need only talk about yourself and your feelings, without shifting responsibility for them to the child.

For example, instead of “you see what you brought me to!”, Say: “Now I am very sad and want to cry. I don’t like it when we quarrel. ” With this construction of phrases, the mother helps the baby not only learn to understand her feelings, but also talk about her feelings and share them. After all, often a child is mischievous only because he does not know how to correctly express that he now feels that he is upset or angry.

Of course, we are not talking about indulging the children in any of their whims. Without reasonable restrictions, education is impossible. But in the case of resentment against a child, mother first of all needs to learn how to cope with her emotions. And another rule can become a serious help in this:

In no case do not use a grudge against a child as an "educational tool."

This happens when a mother holds her grudge for a long time, demonstrating it in every way in order to cause the child a sense of guilt and remorse. Alas, nothing good will come of such “education.” The child does not understand the reasons for her behavior, he only sees that his mother no longer loves him, does not want to talk and play with him. Such a deprivation of maternal love is a disaster for him. No matter how much he does harm before this, his mother is still the most important person in the world, she herself is this world, and her care and love is the life force without which the child will simply die.

Looking at her mother’s petrified face, her pursed lips, hearing her cold “go away, I don’t want to talk to you”, he only sees that his mother rejected him. His small world is crumbling, he is horrified by the impending doom and understands only one thing: in order to survive, you need to pray forgiveness from mother at any cost. Of course, the child does not see any connection with the recent conflict over scattered toys or uneaten porridge. He just does not care, he is scared and depressed. In his sobbing “mommy, I'm sorry,” only a request to return the love, life and peace that he lost overnight. And when mother asks all in the same icy tone: “what forgive you?”, He is completely lost, because he has no answer. But this makes the mother even more angry, she considers his behavior insincere and continues to punish the guilty child with her protracted insult. Then, of course, she will forgive him, embrace him, pat him on the head and say: “Well, now you understand that you can’t do this?” And the tear-stained child nodded obediently, clinging to his mother’s warm hand. But instead of an instructive lesson, he will draw from this story only the experience of rejection.

Now he knows that mom can deprive him of her love at any moment and that it is very painful. The world ceases to be safe for him in the very core of his childhood being - in relations with his mother. Living in such an unsafe world is becoming scary.

And the more often mother will resort to such “educational measures”, the less chance she will have of achieving the desired result. Дело в том, что при повторяющихся болезненных ситуациях детская психика просто снижает чувствительность к ним, чтобы не разрушиться от боли и ужаса. Но выборочно ослабить одно лишь чувство боли невозможно. Поэтому у ребенка снижается общая способность к переживанию любых чувств. Его душа замерзает, подобно сердцу Кая из сказки про Снежную Королеву. Радость он тоже будет переживать «вполсилы», а вместе со своей болью перестает чувствовать и чужую.

But the most devastating consequence of such “upbringing” becomes for the child the conviction that love needs to be earned, that they love only the good, not making mistakes, doing everything and always only right. From the point of view of Christianity, this is a completely wrong view. God says that love is not given according to the merits of the recipient, but according to the goodness of the giver: ... love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who offend you and persecute you, that you will be sons of your Heavenly Father, for He commands his sun to rise over the evil and good and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what is your reward? Do tax collectors do the same? (Matthew 5: 44–46).

Yes, mom can get angry at her baby because of weakness. Yes, she is able to immediately "pack" her anger in offense, so as not to frighten the child during a quarrel. But consciously using this insult as a way of education makes no sense. Yes, and too expensive this method then will cost both the child and the mother.

The reasons that make a mother take offense at her child can be any number. And each of them is important for her, no matter how insignificant it may seem from the outside. After all, this is her life, her pain and tears, her hands lowered from powerlessness. Reproaching her for such an insult means depriving the rest of her confidence in her maternal viability, loading her with a new portion of guilt and consciousness of her own worthlessness.

However, there is one general reason that underlies many private grievances of this kind. Knowing about it, it will be easier for mothers to cope with their feelings in difficult situations with a child. The fact is that the mother spends the first months and years of a child’s life with him in an almost complete emotional fusion. After nine months of pregnancy, when both their hearts beat in her body and her two had one breath, her mother will perceive the child for a long time as part of herself. She will feel his emotions and desires as her own, according to the shades of his crying, she knows for sure whether his stomach hurts, is he hungry, or is he simply tired of lying in wet diapers. She needs this maternal hypersensitivity in order to understand the needs of the baby, about which he still cannot speak in words.

But when this period of natural fusion ends and at about three years old the child experiences the first serious crisis of separation from the mother, it can be very difficult for her to get out of these usual relationships. It is here that the very basis for a variety of offenses against the child appears.

After a long emotional merger, a mother can unconsciously perceive her child as an equal to herself. And from here to resentment for any reason - at hand.

“Why is he angry and screaming at me, and should I be silent and smile in response? Why is he doing harm on a walk, and I have to endure it and not do harm in return? In general, why do I owe him something all the time, and he owes me nothing? ”

Simply put, the insult appears in the mother exactly where she either perceives the child as an equal adult, or emotionally “falls” into childhood and sees herself as a little defenseless girl who is offended by this angry boy, whom for some reason everyone calls her a son.

And if you learn to see these of your "failures" in imaginary equality with the child, then there will be fewer grievances, and experiencing them will be much easier. There are no cunning psychological techniques here. It is enough just to know about such a danger and not to deceive yourself when the mind says: “now, now you have put yourself on the same level with the baby again. Be careful, resentment wanders somewhere nearby. "

The rest is a matter of skill. Having stopped herself in this way at least once, mom gets a new experience, which she can then rely on with more confidence. The child is not equal to the adult, he is still only being formed as a person. And on this way sometimes unexpected discoveries await him and his mother.

For example, there are situations when children seem to test their parents for strength with their antics. But even in this case, they have a very definite task - to check to what extent our love for them extends. Are we ready to love them like that? But so? Or even like that?

And the maturity of the parents is manifested here precisely in the ability, without collapsing, to perceive children's anger, resentment, insults and give feedback in which there will be no such feelings, but there will be a clearly readable answer: yes, I love you even that, I’m ready to be I’m with you and support you, help you. Such behavior is very reassuring to children, because it is the behavior of a strong, older one. The one who you can rely on, who can withstand what the children have not yet learned to withstand.

The commandment to honor parents in the Old Testament is a very serious law. This can be judged even by the fact that the law of Moses prescribed that it be stoned to violate it: He who slanders his father, or his mother, must be put to death (Exodus 21:17). However, this commandment is not just generic or domestic in nature. The fact is that the people of Israel were primarily a religious community. And father and mother in this community were for man the very first teachers of the law. They were the first to tell him about God, about how to live righteously before Him on earth, and taught to distinguish between good and evil. Those who did not honor the parents-teachers did not honor the law itself. Those who rejected the law also rejected God, which means that they became people unfit for life, who in the ancient world had no place among the living.

This is the internal logic of this commandment, which unconditionally assumed that father and mother would instruct their children in a righteous life with word, deed, and their own example.

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